Candice muses on etiquette

Last week I was in a used book store and found a 1945 edition of Emily Post's ETIQUETTE -- a great copy, complete with dustjacket, for ony $6! Since then, I have been amusing myself by reading through it. One of the interesting things about it is that so many of the "rules" are exactly the same as they were during the Regency (the historical period I know most about). Certain things simply did not change in 150 years.  Here are a few examples:

The duty of seeing that guests [at a ball] are looked after, that shy youths are presented to partners, that shyer girls are not left on the far wallflower outposts, that dowagers are taken in to supper, and that elderly gentlemen are provided with good cigars in the smoking room, falls to the "perfect host."

Or

To refuse to dance with one man and then immediately dance with another is an open affront to the first one--excusable only if he was intoxicated or otherwise actually offensive so that the affront was justifiable. But under ordinary circumstances, if she is "dancing," she must dance with everyone who asks her; if she is "not dancing," she must not make exceptions.

Or

For one person to look directly at another and not acknowledge the other's bow is a breach of civility that only gravest cause can warrant.... A "cut direct" is very different. It is a direct stare of blank refusal, and is not only insulting to its victim but embarrassing to every witness. Happily it is practically unknown in polite society.

Or

The position of companion, which is always one of social equality with her employer, rarely exists unless the lady of the house is an invalid, very elderly, a widow, or a young girl. (In the last case, the "companion" acts as a "chaperone.")

Or

A first-class lady's maid is required to be a hairdresser, a good packer, and an expert needlewoman.

Or

It should be unnecessary to mention that none but vulgarians would employ a butler who wears a mustache!

Or

Ladies do not sit with crossed knees. Properly, a lady doesn't lean back in her chair at all.

Or

It would be hard to think of anything more at variance with charm than a woman who is continually looking at herself in her vanity mirror, making moues, and fussing with her hair, and dabbing at her face. It is not only bad form, but evidence of ignorance of the meaning of charm.

Or

The head of the table is wherever the hostess sits. In other words, the wife is head of the table, though the man is head of the house.

Or

It is usually a mistake to invite great talkers together. Brilliant men and women who love to talk want hearers, not rivals. Very silent people [at a dinner party] should be sandwiched between good talkers, or at least voluble talkers. Silly people should never be put anywhere near learned ones, nor the dull near the clever, unless the dull one is a young and pretty woman with a talent for listening and the clever is a man with an admiration for beauty and a love of talking.

Or

Not to attract attention to oneself in public is one of the fundamental rules of good breeding.

Or

It has always been the rule of the well bred not to wear too many jewels in public places.

Or

It is not possible to overemphasize the inexcuseable rudeness of the bride who sends a printed or engraved card of thanks for wedding presents sent her.

Or

Never under any circumstances sign a letter with "Mr., "Mrs.," or "Miss" as an unseparated part of one's signature unless one is willing to be considered both ignorant and rude.

Don't you just love her? Can't you just see her shuddering at the mere thought of an engraved thank-you note or a butler with a mustache? The entire book, all 654 pages, is basically about how NOT to be rude or vulgar. One has to wonder what Mrs. Post would think of us today.  As often as I was struck by similarities with the Regency, I was just as often struck by how many "rules" are no longer in play in today's world.  For example:

In speaking about other people, one always says "Mrs.," "Miss," or "Mr." as the case may be.  It is very bad form to go about saying "Edith Wordly" to those who do not call her Edith, and to speak thus familiarly of one whom one perhaps does not even know is done only by social climbers and snobs who speak with familiarity of persons of prominence in order to impress their hearers with their own importance. (With quite the opposite effect upon all but the ignorant.)

Poor Mrs. Post must be spinning in her grave whenever she hears our President refer, for example, to the Prime Minister of Great Britain as Gordon, or his predecessor as Tony. And am I the only one who hates it when the two remaining Democratic candidates for President are referred to as "Hillary" and "Barack"?  *shudder*  Anyone, especially journalists, who use their first names instead of "Senator Clinton" and "Senator Obama" should be whacked over the head with Mrs. Post's heavy tome.

All this has made me wonder if there are any people left out there who care about etiquette.  Is it a lost element of our culture?  Apparently not. I found an Emily Post Institute website at which her descendents provide all sorts of etiquette advice for the 21st century.  In fact, that rule above about not sending engraved thank-you notes is still listed, in more contemporary language:  "No fill-in-the-blank cards, no pre-printed cards, no phone calls, no emails and no generic post on your website!" Good manners are still good manners, regardless of the available technology! Hooray!

And, or course, we still have Miss Manners, whose etiquete column is syndicated by hundreds of newspapers.  (She is really Judith Martin, shown at right.)  She now tackles subjects such as cell-phone and email etiquette. It does my old-fashioned heart good to know that some people still care about good manners.   

What about you? Were good manners a part of your upbringing? Do you judge a person by his or her manners? What specfic breach of etiquette sets your teeth on edge? Oh, and if you have an etiquette question, fire away and I'll see what Emily ... er, Mrs. Post, has to say.

Comments

[Kendra]

Thank you for the laugh this morning. I had to double check the date of the book. The rules reminded me of the regency historicals I love to read. Anyone use the term 'direct cut' anymore unless it is medically related?

I work in a dental office and all the patients are comfortable with us calling them by their first name. Except Mrs. Jackson. It's highlighted ten times in capital letters all over her chart "CALL HER MRS. JACKSON!" And she's not that old--just different. It's simply how people are brought up. I had two regular patients in their late eighties yesterday, Bea and Carol. I can't imagine calling them anything else.

I admit I've done Christmas and Birthday thank yous by email. It was that or nothing.

[B.E. Sanderson]

We weren't raised with too many of the etiquette rules, but basic civility was always a rule. Things like 'children should always refer to their elders as Mr. or Mrs', so all of my parents' friends were. No elbows on the table was another, and to use the phrases 'excuse me', 'thank you' and 'you're welcome' when the situation calls for it. The one that kills me when I see other people break it now: Chew with your mouth closed/don't talk with food in your mouth. That's the one that sets my teeth on edge. And you see it so much - especially on TV. Yuck. Nobody wants to see that.

Thanks for the fun post, Candice, and thanks for the reminder that we all can be civilized. =o)

[MonicaMcCarty]

Those are hilarious, Candice. If you hadn't told me, I would have thought they were from the Regency. I don't think etiquette is a thing of the past--in our town there are numerous etiquette (or manners) classes for kids that are always popular. I'm with B.E. in insisting on the basics (sit upright at the table, napkin on the lap, no elbows, stuff like that), but I'm an absolute stickler on politeness and graciousness. It's been impressed on them from the time they started talking.

[Tracy Grant]

Those are so fun! I remember getting an Emily Post book out of the library when I was about twelve and think how the rules reminded me of Georgette Heyer books. What I think is interesting is how some rules which seem quite nonsensical actually have a certain logic to them when put into practice. For instance, only speaking to the people seated on either side of you at a formal dinner and spending half the meal speaking to each. I first encountered this in Heyer's "The Grand Sophy" and thought it was very funny. But at a formal dinner, with a table of ten or twele who don't all know each other, it makes a certain sense. The opera program I'm involved with had it's annual fundraiser this weekend. As we were getting ready, one of my friends said, "I hope the people at my table talk to me. It's so awkward when the people on either side of you are both talking to the people on their other side and you sit there alone feeling foolish."

[Brenda]

Hi Candice--

I loved your blog today. :-) I had someone approach me wanting to co-author an etiquette book with me. Since I don't consider myself remotely an expert, and didn't have time to help her with the research, I declined, but I agree that some things are getting way too casual. There's something lost in the amount of respect we have for each other when we allow certain etiquette to fall by the wayside.

Brenda

[Dorothy]

Great blog! I totally agree about the overly familiar use of first names in American culture. I have friends with younger kids who call their teachers by first names. My kids are grown but I would never have tolerated that.

We lived in the deep south for a few years and one of the things I loved was how everyone, of every age, used "sir" and "ma'am" in conversation with adults. That region may be one of the last holdouts for "Yes sir" and "No ma'am".

[Barbara Freethy]

Great post Candice - My kids have grown up calling my friends by their first names -- pretty much. Although when I grew up, we called everyone Mrs. Mr. But I can't think of any of the friends of my kids who call me Mrs. Freethy ... I don't actually mind that breach.

I do hate the lack of table manners though. And the talking on the cell phone in the middle of a restaurant or a doctor's office or the supermarket.

[Margaret L]

I don't care so much about elbows on tables, but I hate it when people talk with their mouths full. Twice I have dumped a guy after only one date when his table manners made me sick. What's up with guys who think they can behave like pigs when eating dinner? The guy I'm with now has impeccable manners. Not only at the dinner table, but he always opens doors for me, stands up when I enter a room, etc. He used to be in the Navy and said he learned etiquette in officer training.

[Bella Andre]

We're definitely big on our kids saying please and thank you. It's a bit of a battle of wills with my daughter, but she's starting to get it! ;-) Especially since there's lots of applause every time she says "please".

[Rosie]

OMG, this is so funny! The one about the butler with a mustache made me spew coffee all over my keyboard! I will certainly keep that in mind the next time I hire one. LOL!

Margaret, my husband used to open my doors and stand up when I walked in a room, too, but I can't remember the last time he did it. Dating etiquette gets discarded pretty fast after you're married.

[Karin*]

Oh, my! Running to tell my butler he simply must shave that vulgar moustache off his face. The shame!
Nothing sets me off more than poor manners.
My oldest son was over for dinner the other night, he put his elbows on the table (which shocked me, he knows better!). I corrected him. He rolled his eyes and said, "Mom, I'm almost 22!" I calmly explained that manners were ageless.

Loved this post, Candice.

[Keri Ford]

going around not saying ma'am or sir was a good way to get your mouth popped. I don't ever remember not using them. When I still had the day job, I used them with kids 5 years younger than me.

I think a lot of people assume if I'm saying ma'am, then they consider me to think them old, and it's not. It's a matter of respect and it's so hard to not ma'am somebody when they ask you not to.

And WOW, Dorothy! I could never imagine calling my teachers by their first names!

[Maureen]

Rosie, you need to train your husband better. After 30 years, mine still opens doors for me and stands when any lady enters the room. Personally, I find good manners in a man very sexy.

My personal etiquette gripe is almost everything to do with cell phones. I hate having to listen to a stranger's loud conversation, whether it's innocuous or, worse, very personal. Everywhere you go you're bombarded by other people's private conversations. I hate it! And then there are the people whose cell phones ring during movies or church or other inappropriate places. I think cell phones have almost single-handedly brought an end to real etiquette in this day and age. I haven't read Miss Manners' take on cell phone etiquette, and unfortunately I don't think anyone else has either. Wouldn't it be nice if each cell phone came with a little Miss Manners booklet on good cell manners?

[Keira Soleore]

Candice, your blog just warms my heart. Whenever people ask me why I like period dramas so much? My response is that they show that there is no occasion that's a reason for bad manners and lack of courtesy.

And oh yes, I don't want to see the partially chewn contents of anyone's mouth or hear their innermost private thoughts at near-shout volumes, no matter how good-looking they might be.

Maureen, you said it best. Good manners in a man are sexy.

[Candice Hern]

Great comments, everyone. It's good to know that civility and courtesy are not dead!

Kendra - three cheers for MRS. JACKSON!

B.E. - I agree with you about chewing with the mouth open. Mrs. Post says, in regard to eating: "Taking a big mouthful (next to chewing with mouth open) is the worse offense at table."

Monica, Bella, and Karin - Thanks for training the next generation!

Tracy - The people arranging your fund raiser dinner should read Mrs. Post on dinner conversation. She says: "One unbreakable rule of etiquette is that you must talk to your next-door neighbor at a dinner table. You MUST; that is all there is to it."

Dorothy - First names for teachers? Horrors! I do agree, though, about southern gentility. They are always so polite in the South.

Barbara - No one calls you Mrs. Freethy? Mrs. Post would be aghast!

Margaret - Yes, table manners can make or break a man. Kudos to naval officer training for keeping etiquette alive!

Rosie - I agree with Maureen. Dating etiquette does not necesssarily have to end after the wedding ceremony. Greg and I, who have lived together almost 30 years, meet for dinner once a week. He is inevitably there first, and when he sees me approach the table, he always stands up. Once we were dining with another couple, and the guys arrived first. When the other woman and I approached, Greg stood and the other guy didn't. It was embarrassing.

Keri - I love how titles of respect are so ingrained in you that you can't shake them. Yes, Ma'am!

Maureen - I could not agree more about being forced to listen to private cell phone conversations. And so many people talk way more loudly on a phone than in person, which makes it harder to ignore. Mrs Post says: "All people in the streets, or anywhere in public, should be careful not to talk too loudly. They should especially avoid pronouncing other people's names, or making personal remarks that may attract passing attention or give a clue to their identity." I hate to imagine how disgusted she would be at today's cell phone talkers. I love the idea of a Miss Manners booklet with each cell phone. You should write and tell her to do that.